God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
