apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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