you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
bring money and cleavage
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
