I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he was CRYING into my vagina
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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