none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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