I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
