So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
