Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
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