3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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