I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
i need some magic done to my vagina
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
