I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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