and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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