my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
