Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
