I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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