It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
