When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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