A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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