I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
