You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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