I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
