You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
