Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
