I will die if light touches me.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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