Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
