My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
