They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I faked an abortion last night.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
