No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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