im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
