wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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