fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
how drunk are you?
Several
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
