Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
