Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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