Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
