Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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