I'm going to jail i love you
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay