No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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