he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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