My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
