well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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