Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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