You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
