Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just invented taco cereal.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
