We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
