I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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