I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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