Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
