So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You are a genius and a whore.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
