the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
