That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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