dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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