It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
