shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
