did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
