we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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