This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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