Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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