I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
