It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
