So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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