Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
