i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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