totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
